Why?
by Rosesdancinginmymind
Summary: This is an AU one shot set 3/4 days after TMD. An angsty mother/daughter moment. Can't really say much more without spoiling what happens.


_AN: I was re-watching 2x12 and after the car scene with Cora and Regina that one-shot popped into my mind. It's AU, set 3/4 days after TMD. Mother/daughter angst. I don't own Once or its characters. Apologies for any mistakes. Hope you enjoy it. Let me know what you think :)_

Having my heart in my body has been a strange experience. The last few days have been thoroughly confusing and overwhelming. I find I don't really know how to cope with all these emotions swarming up inside of me especially as they keep on coming and switching before I know what I'm supposed to do with them. Most of my time has been spent holed up in this room at Granny's. No-one else was willing to take me and I'm well aware that I won't really be welcome in the town just yet. Before I wouldn't have minded, now I feel like a prisoner in this room too afraid to go out and face the devastation they created.

The worst part is the guilt. I had become so used to feeling nothing, just being numb, that all this guilt is suffocating me. I find myself randomly crying all the time as the guilt washes over me wave by wave. I think back to that wonderful moment a few days ago when I saw my daughter, as if for the first time, my newly replaced heart swelled with warmth and happiness and I realised how wrong I was all those years ago. My joy at seeing my daughter has since been replaced with a plaguing, sickening guilt as I think back over all the times I did her wrong. How could I have done all those things to my own baby girl? Why couldn't I have just been strong enough to replace my heart all those years ago?

There have been moments where I have been half-tempted to wrench the infernal organ from my chest once more so I can be rid of this horrible sensation of guilt. Then I remember seeing Regina, truly seeing her and I know I need to be stronger this time. Picturing Regina's face reminds that I can no longer choose power over love.

I sigh resting my head in my hands as I think of Regina. My daughter has not spoken to me since that day in Rumple's shop. Upon seeing me clutch my chest and turn to her with my first genuinely happy smile she panicked and ran. The rejection stung but I understand it. I have not dared to approach her since that day knowing that she needs time and also fearing that rejection again.

I hear a clumsy thumping at my door and frown unused to visitors aside from the widow Lucas occasionally checking in but this is not her slow careful knock. I hear another loud thump which sounds a lot like someone falling against the door. I walk slowly over to the door and pull it open as a figure stumbles forward. I just about catch the person in my arms as they lose their balance.

"Regina?" I ask cautiously as I move to steady her. She clumsily forces my hand off before moving away from me with a slight sway. I can see her face is red from where she has clearly been crying, a few strands of her hair has begun to stick to her dampened cheeks. I wrinkle my nose a little at identifying the unmistakeable scent of alcohol wafting from my daughter.

I stare at her for a few moments uncertain as to what I'm supposed to do here. She has clearly had more than a few drinks tonight and I don't want to push her away again by accidentally overstepping. She breaks my silence with a slightly quivering voice, "Why?"

I frown unsure of exactly what she means. She practically falls ungracefully into a half sitting, half slumping position on the bed before she fixes me with an intense questioning stare, "Why wasn't I enough?" she hiccups tears streaming down her face. "Why wasn't I enough for you to put it back in?"

I feel that pang in my chest as I cautiously move to sit down beside her. I don't know how to answer that question, I wish I had been strong enough to choose her. As I sit next to her she suddenly flails at me, her fists flying uncoordinatedly at me. The blows are sloppy and ineffective and I carefully catch her wrists making sure to be gentle so as not to scare her. She continues to struggle against me before letting loose a gut-wrenching sob, "Why?!" she practically wails the question this time.

"I'm sorry Regina" I begin but she cuts me off shaking her head, "No. Why? Why wasn't I enough?"

I sigh before gentling releasing her hands and moving mine to rest lightly on her shoulders. I wish I had a better answer to her question, all I have is the truth. "You would have been enough Regina" at that more tears spill from her eyes and I feel that ache in my heart again, "When you were born I did consider replacing it but I couldn't" I falter feeling the regret of my decision before she whimpers "Why?" again. "I wasn't brave enough. I wish I could have been but I was just so blind to love. All I knew was the drive for power, I had already chosen power over love when I first took it out. I think I had forgotten what love felt like, I was just too consumed by power. I'm so sorry Regina. I wish I had a better answer for you. Looking back now I know the biggest mistake of my life was continuing to choose power. I understand now that I was so wrong to do that but mark my words my darling, you are enough and I promise that from now on I will always choose you." I can feel the tears sliding their way down my own face as I finish and notice that my daughter is still earnestly sobbing. I hold my breath as she cautiously moves closer towards me, I don't know what to do, I wish hearts came with instructions I think bitterly. Regina practically falls against my chest and her head rests atop my heart, "It's still there" she mumbles. I nod, "Yes Regina, it's still there and that's where it will stay from now on" my hands move of their own accord as I speak and my arms wrap around my daughter and my hands move to rub circles in her back. "Why?" she asks the tears still in her voice. I hesitate before moving one of my hands to run through her hair, "For you, for you it can stay there" at that she burrows into me and I feel her hands clinging to my own jacket.

"Ssh I'm here. You're going to be okay" I whisper to her. It feels like I am holding her for the first time as I rock her and whisper what I hope are reassuring words. I hold her in my arms until her sobs turn into gentle snores, I feel like I can't let her go. As she rests against my chest soothed by the beat of my heart I try and restrain my cries as I wonder why I couldn't have just chosen her all those years ago.


End file.
